Blue Mystic
by kathiann
Summary: So we all know Jane takes sleeping pills, but what about other drugs? My take on what may happen if he did. WARNING: CONTAINS DRUG USE. Not really dark, at least not by my standards, in fact it may be a bit humorous in spots, and a little sad too.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: **WARNING: CONTAINS DRUG USE. I know it's hard to believe, but I have never had a drink of alcohol. Also hard to believe, other than legal drugs, taken as prescribed, I've never done drugs either. SO what follows is based only on research and my experience with people who have taken drugs. Sadly, I've known plenty. Based on of the 10 IPod challenges I did to The Shins song Red Rabbits. This fic fueled on a huge bag of candy orange slices and a Costco size can of macadamia nuts. Oh, not betaed, but thanks to Eve215 for reading it over for me and egging me on.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own The Mentalist, from which I stole Jane, Lisbon and Red John. I don't own Red Rabbits, which was the inspiration for this originally. I don't own The Guardian, from which I got the final inspiration for this, and also the blue mystic. Honestly, any Simon Baker fan out there that gets Sleuth should be watching it. Sure it's depressing but it's still good.

**Blue Mystic**

The good pills were hard to come by. He'd told Lisbon once that he only got them from doctors, but he had lied. He also got them from a kid on the corner downtown. Doctors ask too many questions. They want to know why you want the pills they tell you they are concerned that you take too much. It's hard to get the good pills from doctors. That's why he frequented the boy on the corner. He didn't worry about getting caught; he was only living for revenge anyway. The worst that would happen is a little jail time, and besides, Lisbon could get him off if he asked.

Sometimes he got more than just sleeping pills. Tonight the kid had sold him something new. A few little tiny pills that were blue and, according to the boy, the best trip he'd ever had. He called it Blue Mystic. He didn't know if he should believe him or not, but, he bought four of the little pills, and a bag full of his regular sleeping pills. How the doctor thought that a month's supply was only 30 pills was beyond him.

He had waited to get back to his house to take the pills. He didn't like to take something new in an unfamiliar place. He also didn't by his drugs from dealers he didn't know. He had met people before Red John destroyed his life that had done that, bought things from people they didn't know. It was a good way to end up in jail, or the hospital. But either way, he wanted to be off the road, just in case.

He was now lying on the floor on his bed room, staring at the smile on the wall. The only thing the boy had told him was to drink plenty of water, and to "Enjoy the ride man." The room was spinning around his head and he rolled over onto his stomach his head spinning in a pleasant way.

He felt like Alice, falling down the rabbit hole, only, that wasn't a white rabbit he saw hopping along his room, it was red, red and smiling at him. He had to chase it; it was going to lead him to Red John! He knew it! He just had to catch it.

Stumbling up, he followed after the rabbit, calling for him to come back. He had to catch it. Wait! He knew what he could do, he could call Lisbon. She would help him catch the rabbit; she would help him get Red John. He ran back to his room and grabbed his cell phone. He waited for her to answer the phone and brushed off her protests of the late hour. She had to come help him catch the Red Rabbit.

"Jane, do you know what time it is?" Lisbon said when he had finally managed to get her to wake up enough to realize who was on the phone.

"You have to help me catch the Red Rabbit." Jane said looking at the rabbit as it stood huddled in the corner. Was it imagination or was the rabbit getting taller.

"A rabbit Jane? Call animal control or an exterminator." Lisbon sounded annoyed, obviously she didn't understand.

"No, he's going to lead me to Red John, but I can't catch him" Jane lunged after the rabbit but he hopped off. Jane chased after him again trying to corner him so he couldn't get away.

"What? Are you drunk?" She sounded pissed now and Jane could hear the sounds of her getting out of bed.

"No, I don't like alcohol; it gives me a head ache and makes you throw up." The Red Rabbit was now considerably taller, and, was he wearing clothes? He must be the cousin of the White Rabbit.

"Drugs! You've been doing drugs!" He heard her car start and smiled as he lunged for the rabbit again who, this time, hopped off upright, on his back two legs.

"What, you know that. You even sent me to a doctor once yourself to get some." He followed the rabbit down the stairs.

"Sleeping pills Jane, not illegal hallucinogens." He could tell she was speeding, just by the sound of her wheels on the slightly wet pavement. When had it started raining?

"I'm pretty sure it's legal in the Netherlands." The Rabbit was hiding by the fireplace. He had to keep him from hopping up the flew, isn't that how the White Rabbit got away from Alice at some point? He couldn't remember if it was closed or not, but judging from the draft, it wasn't.

"We don't live in the Netherlands Jane. We live in America, in California to be exact. And in the state of California they don't like law enforcement professionals who do illegal drugs." She sounded scared, but why? It was just a rabbit.

"It's just a rabbit Lisbon. I just need to catch the rabbit so I can find Red John. The Red Rabbit is going to lead me to Red John, I just can't get it. I think he's going to go up the chimney."

He heard Lisbon sigh. "How is a rabbit going to get up a chimney?"

"He's going to jump." Jane responded, how else would a rabbit get out of the chimney? He didn't have any thumbs.

"Just stay in your house Jane. Don't follow the rabbit if he does get out of the chimney." Was she humoring him? She didn't believe him.

"Well then hurry, because if he does, I'm going to need your help to get the ladder." He lunged at the rabbit again, and it hopped closer to the fireplace.

"Just stay in the house Jane. Do NOT go outside." He heard her car crunching on gravel, she must be here. He listened and heard the sound of her car in the drive way. He heard her cut the engine and open the door. He was hearing it in stereo, it was amazing, it added to the overall pleasant feelings he had.

"You're here!" He called into the phone, causing the Red Rabbit to jump, this time, further away from the fireplace which caused Jane to relax a little bit as he ran to the door and opened it just a crack to let Lisbon in.

Only, it wasn't Lisbon. It was his wife. He stood there in shock. His wife! She wasn't dead. He pulled her inside, shutting and locking the door to keep her from escaping, to heck with the rabbit, he didn't need to find Red John if his wife wasn't dead. He held her tight in his arms, not wanting to let her go, he couldn't bear to lose her again.

"Oh Sarah, Sarah, I thought I lost you." He was holding her, tight against his chest, his chin resting on the top of her head.

"Jane…"

"No, no sweetie, honey, you don't call me that, you call me Patrick. I'm your Pattie, don't you remember?"

"Patrick…"

"I thought you were dead, I really did. I saw your body; there was so much blood, everywhere, you and Abby. Oh God! Abby. Is she with you? Is she alive too? There was just so much blood. And that monster, he…He painted your toes red." Jane stopped pulling back slightly and looking down at her feet. She was wearing flip flops, in the rain; that was his silly girl, always doing things like that. And her toe nails were red. "NO! I can't lose you again!"

Not really paying attention now to her voice as she tried to talk to him he crushed her to his chest again, not caring that she was now complaining that she couldn't breathe because he was holding her too tight.

"I can't lose you, not again. I love you. I…I've been trying to avenge your death, but it's been hard. I can't, I can't find the monster that killed you. I even joined the CBI as a consultant to get more information on him. But there's this woman, she's, well, a lot like you. Only, she doesn't smile as much. And she wants to find Red John too, but she won't let me kill him, like I want too. I want to make him suffer like I have all these years. But she tries to make me a better person, like I was before you died. I just, I just don't know what to think anymore."

"Patrick…"

"She was supposed to come over tonight and help me catch the Red Rabbit, but, then you came, and now, the Red Rabbit doesn't matter. I don't need to catch him anymore, you're here." He was overcome by the overwhelming desire to kiss her; he had to feel her against him again. He pulled her back slightly, just enough so that he could lift her head and press his lips to hers.

He was puzzled by her resistance at first, she was trying to get away and wasn't allowing him to deepen the kiss, but she gave out eventually and allowed her lips to move against his and his tongue to enter her mouth. It was heaven, bliss, but oddly different. It wasn't like he remembered, Sarah was firm and forceful, and her lips were bigger. Now she was soft and hungry and her lips were smaller, as was her mouth and she was shorter, and, Jane opened his eyes and pulled back, from the kiss that had left him breathing hard and wanting more, and light headed and the room was spinning.

It wasn't Sarah standing in front of him with that shocked expression on her face; it was Lisbon, who was standing there, shocked at the way he had acted. What had happened to Sarah? She had been here. His head was spinning; he whirled around, looking for her.

"Sarah!" He called out. He grasped Lisbon by the shoulders staring her in the face panicked. "Where's Sarah? She was just here! I saw her, touched her, kissed her!" Jane dropped his hands, turning again. He saw the rabbit heading up the stairs. The Red Rabbit! If he could lead him to Red John, he had to know where Sarah was.

"Jane! Stop, you're going to hurt yourself!" Lisbon called after him, chasing him, but he was faster for once, and took off after the Red Rabbit as he ran up the stairs. He had to catch him. The world was spinning faster now, he felt the world slipping out from under him, he was falling, down, down, down, down the rabbit hole. When had the rabbit gone down a rabbit hole? But there he was, running ahead of him, he would lead him to Red John, he had too.

There was a crash, he had stopped falling, and there was the Red Rabbit, smiling at him as he had been when he saw him the first time. Only, there was a shadow behind him now, a dark figure who started to laugh at him, he was holding a knife, it was Red John. He knew it, but he was going to kill the rabbit, and then Jane would never find Sarah.

"NO! Don't kill it, don't do it. I have to find Sarah!" But even as he was screaming at the dark figure behind the rabbit he knew it was no use, the knife fell and the blood was everywhere, he started to cry. "NO, no, no, no. He was the only one." Jane jumped up to attack Red John but he had vanished and with him the rabbit. He was sobbing, holding the rabbits little over coat, the only thing left.

And then, there were arms around him, and a smell he recognized, not of Sarah, but of Lisbon, darling sweet Lisbon, she must have followed him down the rabbit hole. She sat on the floor next to where Jane had collapsed after Red John had got away. She held him as he sobbed, cradling his head and rocking him gently back and forth.

Jane didn't know how long they sat there like that, but he felt himself slipping, his mind growing dark as he allowed himself to succumb to the sleep that had been waiting just around the corner the whole night. Red John may be gone, and Sarah maybe lost down the rabbit hole, but Lisbon was here. And as long as Lisbon was here, they would find them both.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: **I had no intention of this having a second chapter when I first wrote this. Really I didn't. But all but 2 of the reviews I got (that makes 6) asked for more. And the only reason It wasn't more was that one of the reviewers knew I intended this as a one shot. But, I went and looked at it, and, well, this just came out. It would have been up last night, but I decided sleep was important at 3:30 in the morning.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own this show. I also don't own the song that inspired this. I barely own this idea.

The phone was ringing and for a second she considered just burying her head in the pillow and ignoring it. It was her day off. She didn't want to go into work. But the thought that it might be an emergency or one of her brothers caused her to snake her arm out from under the covers and snatch up the phone lying on the table next to her bed.

"Hello." She said her voice groggy.

"Lisbon!"

"Jane? What time is it?"

"I don't know late. You have to come over."

"Jane. Do you have any idea what time it is?" Why was he calling it was, she looked at the clock, 2:00 AM.

"You have to help me catch the Red Rabbit." Red Rabbit? What the hell was he talking about? Rabbit's weren't red, at least not most of the ones she saw. Maybe some of the kids in his neighborhood got a hold of it and painted it red.

"A rabbit Jane? Call animal control or an exterminator." Why was he calling her? It was far too early for this.

"No, he's going to lead me to Red John, but I can't catch him." He was drunk. That was the only explanation for it. She started to get out of bed.

"What? Are you drunk?" This was crazy. He better not do something stupid. She pulled on the closest pair of jeans that she could find and a t-shirt. She didn't want to be doing this, not at this time of night.

"No, I don't like alcohol; it gives me a head ache and makes you throw up." She searched around for her shoes and socks but decided she didn't want to bother. She slipped into the comfortable pair of flip flops she kept by the door, grabbed her keys and headed to the car. Wait. Not drunk, that meant…Oh no, not that.

"Drugs! You've been doing drugs!" How could he be so stupid? Didn't he know how that could affect his job at the CBI if he got caught? Did he even think about the effects of his mixing his legal and illegal drugs together? He could be such an idiot.

"What, you know that. You even sent me to a doctor once yourself to get some." Did he really think she was going to believe that? He was high as a kite. She'd seen him taking the sleeping pills before, he slept with them; he didn't get up and run around the house chasing figments of his imagination.

"Sleeping pills Jane, not illegal hallucinogens." Did he really think she was stupid enough to think she wouldn't know the difference? She drove faster than she should have, speeding through a wet spot of pavement where a broken sprinkler was getting water all over the road.

"I'm pretty sure it's legal in the Netherlands." What did he do, look it up online before he took it? A street junkie dealer wouldn't be likely to know that.

"We don't live in the Netherlands Jane. We live in America, in California to be exact. And in the state of California they don't like law enforcement professionals who do illegal drugs." He was beginning to frighten her. Just what had he taken? He seemed pretty lucid, but still probably hallucinating and maybe a bit delusional.

"It's just a rabbit Lisbon. I just need to catch the rabbit so I can find Red John. The Red Rabbit is going to lead me to Red John, I just can't get it. I think he's going to go up the chimney." The chimney? Was he serious? She was afraid to ask but she just had to.

"How is a rabbit going to get up a chimney?"

"He's going to jump." Of course, how could she be so stupid as to not of guessed that.

"Just stay in your house Jane. Don't follow the rabbit if he does get out of the chimney."

"Well then hurry, because if he does, I'm going to need your help to get the ladder." The ladder? Was he kidding? There was no way she was climbing up on a roof to catch a fictitious rabbit.

"Just stay in the house Jane. Do NOT go outside." She pulled up outside his house and got out of the car, she hoped he would be ok when she got inside.

"You're here!" Yea, she's was here. She saw him open the door and shut her phone; this was going to be a long night she could tell. She walked up to the house, not sure what to expect, but that look on his face. Shock and surprise and _love_? That was odd. Joy over came all of the emotions on his face. He had never looked that happy to see him. Something wasn't right.

"Oh Sarah, Sarah, I thought I lost you." He pulled her to her tightly. This was not good. He thought she was his wife. Obviously he was having issues; this drug had been pretty powerful that was for sure.

"Jane…" She had to make him listen to her, he had to realize who she was, not Sarah, not his wife.

"No, no sweetie, honey, you don't call me that, you call me Patrick. I'm your Pattie, don't you remember?" She wanted to laugh; his wife had called him Pattie, but couldn't bring herself to do it. It was almost heart breaking.

"Patrick…"

"I thought you were dead, I really did. I saw your body; there was so much blood, everywhere, you and Abby. Oh God! Abby. Is she with you? Is she alive too? There was just so much blood. And that monster, he…He painted your toes red." Jane stopped pulling back slightly and looking down at her feet. She was wearing flip flops, the easiest thing to put on with short notice. And her toe nails were red. Had she known something like this would have happened she would have worn her sneakers, or painted her toe nails green or something.

"NO! I can't lose you again!" Jane shouted. This was not going well. Why was she in this situation? Why didn't she just tell him to sleep it off? Why did she care so much about him?

"Patrick, you have to listen to me. I am not Sarah. It's me, Lisbon, your boss, your friend. You've taken some very powerful drugs. You're hallucinating. I am not your wife." She tried to pull away from him. "Patrick, you're holding me to tight, why don't you let me breath."

"I can't lose you, not again. I love you. I…I've been trying to avenge your death, but it's been hard. I can't, I can't find the monster that killed you. I even joined the CBI as a consultant to get more information on him. But there's this woman, she's, well, a lot like you. Only, she doesn't smile as much. And she wants to find Red John too, but she won't let me kill him, like I want too. I want to make him suffer like I have all these years. But she tries to make me a better person, like I was before you died. I just, I just don't know what to think anymore."

"Patrick…"

"She was supposed to come over tonight and help me catch the Red Rabbit, but, then you came, and now, the Red Rabbit doesn't matter. I don't need to catch him anymore, you're here."

Lisbon stopped trying to push out of his arms and just let him hold her. He obviously couldn't be talked out of this at the moment. She'd gone through this with her brother a few times when he done too much. He was…better now, to say the least he wasn't using any more, but she still had to talk him down from the ledge every once in a while.

What happened next was a shock to her. He kissed her. Not a gentle peck on the check, or even a chaste kiss on the lips. This was a hard hungry kiss full of feeling. She fought him at first; not wanting to allow him to give into his fantasy, but the desire was just too strong. She found herself kissing him back, soft and gentle but at the same time hungry and wanting.

He pulled back suddenly, as if noticing something was different about her. He opened his eyes and looked at her, Lisbon for her part was able to look slightly shocked at the way she had just acted. He had been delusional and she had encouraged it, taken advantage of it in fact.

He looked around wildly, looking for the wife he thought he had found again in the person of Lisbon.

"Sarah!" He turned back to Lisbon, grasping her by the shoulders and shook her slightly. His grip was tight and for a second she was a little afraid, but let the fear wash over her, he wouldn't do anything unless he saw her as a threat. "Where's Sarah? She was just here! I saw her, touched her, kissed her!"

Well thank goodness for that. At least it would be less awkward at work on Monday. Jane let her go and again began to turn around franticly, looking for something. He started to run for the stairs and Lisbon called after him.

"Jane! Stop, you're going to hurt yourself!" She went to follow him, but new it was useless, she would only hurt him if she tried to tackle him on the stairs. She could only watch as he slipped and tumbled down the stairs, but even that didn't seem to stop him. She was really worried now, and for a brief second contemplated calling an ambulance and having him taken to the hospital. He was staring at a spot just in front of the fireplace screaming.

"NO! Don't kill it, don't do it. I have to find Sarah! NO, no, no, no. He was the only one." Jane jumped up as if to attack something or someone but instead just got a look of horror on his face as he collapsed in a heap on the ground, sobbing.

It was only when he had been in that position for a few minutes that Lisbon ventured near him. She noticed that he was holding a small coat in his hands, about the size a small child would wear, she had no idea how it had gotten there, but it looked like it had probably belonged to his daughter as it was purple with pink embroidered flowers on it.

She sat next to him on the ground, hesitating to touch him, in case he was still in the grips of his hallucination, but eventually placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned his head towards her, smiling almost through his tears.

"Lisbon. You came, Red John, he killed the rabbit. And I lost Sarah." He spoke through his sobs and it almost broke her heart.

"I know Jane." Was all she said as she pulled him into her arms and began to rock him back and forth in a soothing motion. She had done this for her brother too and it broke her heart to have to do it for Jane. She could understand his draw to the drugs. The ability to forget what happened for even just a moment in time. Her brother had described the feeling he got while high as almost euphoric, like sex but without the mess.

Lisbon noticed that Jane's sobbing was diminishing, he was calming down. She couldn't leave him here by himself, and there was no way she was going to try to carry him up the stairs. He'd just have to come home with her. Sure some people might think he needed to go to the hospital, but the worst of it was over, she'd just wanted to be there in case he came out of it and was confused.

She helped him stand, he was practically unconscious and she thanked whatever gods were out there that she still spent all that time in the gym every week. She didn't know if she would confront him about what happened tonight, or what all he would remember, but, that wasn't important now. What was important was that he was safe, and she could make sure he stayed that way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: **I tried to find a good spot to split this ridiculously long chapter in 2 and couldn't find one, so I hope you all read it anyway. There may be another chapter, I'm not sure, let me know what you all think. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Not betaed. Sorry about any mistakes.

**Disclaimer: **Trust me, I don't own them. Although, I really wish I did at this point.

His head was pounding. He could hear sounds, vague and undefined as if coming to him through a tunnel. He struggled to open his eyes and quickly shut them again from the light. He thought about sitting up, but his limbs felt as if they were weighed down with a ton of bricks. His ribs were sore. He tried to think but it was difficult. His mind was muddled and it was as if he were trying to see through a fog. He could think abstract thoughts, but anything specific just wasn't there. He needed to get moving. This was not good.

Slowly he focused on things that he could figure out without opening his eyes. First thing first, he was clearly lying down, on his stomach. He didn't usually sleep on his stomach; he must have just collapsed to be in this position. Slowly feeling started to come to his face and limps. He was laying on something soft, yet firm. He experimented with moving his hand and found that it was possible. He slowly fluttered his hand along his sides on the, the _place_ he was laying. There was a back on one side and the ground on the other. He must be on a couch. But, he wasn't at the CBI. His couch there was leather, and this was certainly not leather. A comfortable couch, but the fabric was a little rough, definitely not top of the line, but not the cheapest. Probably an upper lower end couch.

SO he knew he was on a couch, and it wasn't his. He needed to figure out whose. He tried opening his eyes again, but this time it was almost worse than before. Was it possible for the light to have gotten brighter? He decided to see what his recently awakened nose could tell him. He took a deep breath and realized that it hurt to take such a deep breath. Obviously with pain in his ribs wasn't just because of the way he was laying. He had hurt himself somehow. Stealing himself against the pain he took another deep breath and tried to figure out if he could place any of the smells he was smelling. First and foremost was bacon. Fresh bacon. His stomach had helped in recognizing that smell and rumbled and twisted telling him it had been far too long since he'd eaten anything.

He took another breath, cinnamon. A very fait sent of cinnamon and vanilla, almost as if it was an old air freshener, or someone's perfume. It was faint, but it was there. He thought a minute. The cinnamon and vanilla were coming from the couch, so it was probably from perfume. He didn't know why he assumed it was a woman, but it just made more sense. He only knew one woman who wore both cinnamon and vanilla and he wanted to groan, but found that it took to much effort.

Lisbon. Teresa Lisbon. She usually wore vanilla, in her body wash and whatever spray she used every day, but every once in a while she would spice it up and use cinnamon. She'd worn it more since he had mentioned it to her, that he liked the scent. He didn't know if she did it on purpose, but he liked it. That thought caused him to groan again.

Why was he on Lisbon's sofa? It didn't make any sense. Ok, deep breaths calm down. Think. The fog in his mind had cleared slightly. He remembered getting his pills; and the new one too. He remembered coming home, taking the pills. He remembered…Oh GOD! He had not called Lisbon while high had he? Obviously she had. He'd never done that before. Why had he called her? Right, he had seen a rabbit. Oh this was bad on so many levels.

Why hadn't she just called the cops? He'd been crazy off his rocker when she'd got to the house. There was something in the back of his head, an inkling that something was wrong. That there was something important that he needed to remember. He'd done something, something he should be ashamed of or embarrassed by. He did more deep breathing. Breathing in the sent that was now unmistakably Lisbon.

He sat bolt upright on the couch, his body screaming at him and his head swimming. There was a pain behind his eyes from the bright light. He'd kissed her. He had KISSED Lisbon. He hadn't meant to, at least he didn't think he'd meant to. And it wasn't any regular little peck on the cheek. It had been a deep kiss, like one he would have given to his wife…His wife; he'd thought that Lisbon had been his wife. Oh, this was bad. He let his body fall back into the couch, on his back this time. Lying on his stomach was bad for his back.

He'd thought that Lisbon was Sarah, he'd kissed her, than fell down a rabbit whole. No, there was no rabbit. It was a hallucination, wow, those were some good pills. If he could control the way he acted during, and the way he felt after, he'd totally get them again. But, somehow, he didn't think that Lisbon would let him out of her sight long enough to try them again.

So if he hadn't fallen down a rabbit whole, what had he fallen down, he was definitely sore, he must have fallen down the stairs. He thought about it, yea, that made sense, he remembered climbing up them to catch the rabbit, and then falling, so, that made sense. He could be hurt a lot worse; he could be in the hospital right now. Why hadn't Lisbon called 911 when she came across him in the state he was in last night? He thought some more. This thinking thing was getting easier; his head didn't hurt near as much as it had.

Red John. He'd thought he'd seen Red John. Even now, knowing that it was just a hallucination he still got that gut clenching feeling, the fear and excitement, the conflict between revenge and self preservation. What had Red John done? He'd killed the rabbit. And then he'd vanished. Jane groaned again. He'd cried like a baby, and Lisbon had held him. He was such an idiot. He made a mental note to remember that the next time he took a powerful hallucinogen NOT to call Lisbon.

"Rise and shine Sleeping Beauty!" Jane groaned; did Lisbon have to be so loud?

"No." He managed to croak out.

"You've been asleep long enough Jane, you need to get up."

"No."

"We have to talk, and it's already after noon."

"Then why are you cooking bacon?" He still hadn't opened his eyes.

"I like bacon. It's a good breakfast food, and you need to eat."

"What about you? Are you going to eat?"

"If you don't get up soon, I'm going to eat all the bacon."

"I don't want to move. I fell down the steps."

"At least you remember that." He felt the couch start to move beneath him as he felt himself sliding and scrambled to keep from falling on the floor.

"Dam it! What the hell was that for?" He was standing now; hand over his eyes shading them from the bright sun light shining through the window.

Lisbon ignored his protests. "Good you're up. Now come get some breakfast."

Jane opened his eyes just enough to barley see the shadow that was Lisbon and followed her to what he assumed was a kitchen. It was much darker in there and he tested his eyes, opening them one at a time. A hand appeared in front of his eyes holding two white tablets.

"Aspirin, they'll help with your head ache."

"Thank you." He mumbled grabbing them and the glass of water that appeared seconds later. He sat at the table with his eyes closed until the pounding and throbbing began to subside.

"Eat your food. It's going to get cold, and no one like cold eggs."

"Are you enjoying this Lisbon?"

"Yes, Jane, yes I am." He opened his eyes and looked at her.

"That's not fair."

"Hey, I'm not the one who's taking illegal drugs."

"I don't do it very often." He mumbled taking a bite of eggs.

"Do I really look that stupid? Do you want me to believe that last night was a onetime deal?"

Jane felt the eggs turn to glue in his mouth. He knew it was too good to be true, her joking with him.

"Eat. We'll talk when you're done." She got up from the table and walked out of the room. Jane was not hungry. He had no desire to eat, but knew that if he didn't, he would just make her mad, well, madder than she was.

He ate slowly, it hurt to chew, it hurt to swallow, he just hurt. By the time he was done eating the eggs had indeed gotten cold. He'd eaten everything on his plate. It really was good, other than being a little cold. He had a feeling that if he didn't eat it all she might just shove it down his throat. When he finished eating he put his plate in the sink. He really was feeling better after eating, his head was pounding less and his was a little less sore than he had been when he woke up. He hesitated before leaving the kitchen, he had no desire to talk to Lisbon, he knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but he didn't see as he had any choice, he didn't think he could get out of the apartment without Lisbon seeing him. This was not going to be good.

"So, pass out on strange sofa's often?" Lisbon asked as Jane made his way out of the kitchen. Her back was to him, but she had noticed him anyway.

"No, usually I just stay in my own house."

"Last night you were talking about climbing up on your roof to catch a red rabbit that was going to lead you to Red John."

"I promise that has never happened before. It was a new drug; I didn't know how it would affect me. I got to tell you Lisbon, it was a hell of a rush."

Lisbon shot off of the sofa faster than he thought was possible whirling around her face on fire with anger. "A RUSH! You almost get yourself KILLED and all you can think about is the RUSH!"

"To be fair, if I was in danger of dying I think you would have taken me to the hospital."

"Is this some sort of big joke to you Jane? Do you think it's funny that you called me in the middle of the night high on drugs to come help you catch a rabbit?"

"You have to admit, it is a bit humorous."

"No, I don't have to admit that. Do you know what could happen if you had called someone else? Do you know what would have happened if you had called Cho or Rigsby, or Heaven forbid Van Pelt? Any one of them would have hauled your sorry ass into the hospital and you'd be looking for a new job that gives you access to Red john and all the evidence. Because you sure as hell wouldn't be working at the CBI!"

Jane opened his mouth to retort but Lisbon cut him off.

"No. No more witty comments, no more jokes. This is serious. You are treading in some very dangerous water here. How long have you been taking illegal drugs Jane? How long? Are you mixing them with your prescription? Wait, I bet you're buying more of those too aren't you? I know you're reckless. I know you don't care about your own life, but if you wanted to kill yourself there are easier ways to do it."

"I don't want to kill myself, I just want to forget."

"It doesn't really work though does it?"

"How would you know?"

"I've seen it Jane. I've seen others try to erase the pain. I spent hours next to my father as he was puking his guts after drinking all night, I've spent hours, days with my brother talking him down from a high that almost killed him. I did it so many times I lost count. I've paid for rehab and unknowingly paid for drugs. I've enabled and rejected and everything a person can do to help a loved one get over a major drug addiction. I've seen it kill people Jane. I've seen what it can do. And I hate it."

"Lisbon." The pain on her face was killing him. And to know that he had been the cause of it, that was the worst of all.

"I don't want to hear it Jane. I want to know that the next time I get a call at 2:00 in the morning that it won't be because you're high as a kite or in a hospital somewhere. I would honestly rather get a call saying that you were arrested for killing Red John than get a call saying you killed yourself because of an overdose."

"I would never over does."

"No? How can you be so sure?"

"I know my limits Lisbon. I know what I can take and how much. I've been doing this for years."

"And you don't think that maybe one day you might get so caught up in it that you just go too far?"

"No, I don't think that I will. I have good self control."

"Like hell you do Jane."

"What's this really about? I took some drugs, I got a little carried away, it won't happen again, next time I'll just stick to what I know."

"What you know? What do you do crack, meth, ecstasy? What exactly do you know? That way when I get a call from the cops saying your neighbors are reporting a funny smell I can tell them what you OD'd on."

"Oh come one Lisbon, that's not going to happen."

"How do you know? I've seen this happen before Jane. You think you know. You say you can stop, but you don't. It may take a while, but soon it just becomes all about the high. You crave it, you want your next one, you just can't wait, it just gets worse and worse until, bam that's it, all done."

"You act like you've done this before."

"Not me, my brother. After our parents died. It started out innocently enough, a few beers at parties with friends, then he started the drugs. I didn't know what was happening at first, but then it got worse, his grades started to slip, I confronted him about it, but he always denied it. First time he ended up in the hospital I paid for his rehab, the second time, he ended up in jail. The third time…it was too late."

"I'm not like that Lisbon, I know when to stop."

"My brother said that too."

It wasn't often that Jane couldn't figure out what to say, but he was at a loss. He took a step towards her, he didn't know what he was going to do, but he just felt like he needed to be near her. "I'm sorry Lisbon. Sometimes…I just need to forget. The sleeping pills, they help, but sometimes it's just not enough. I just don't know what to do. It's just…I don't know."

"I just wish you would talk to me, or someone, about it. You're not the only one who's been through something like this before Jane. You're not the only one who's lost their world Jane. You're not the only one who feels like they're losing control sometimes."

She was on the verge of tears, this was not going as planned, she was supposed to read him the riot act, he was supposed to be quivering in his boots right now. Instead she was in danger of losing control, not because she was angry, even thought she was, but because she was hurting. It hurt her to think of her brother, and that Jane might be headed down that path.

Jane stepped closer, he so wanted to pull her to him, but wasn't sure that was such a good idea. "I guess I just don't think of that." That was the wrong thing to say, he saw anger flash in her eyes again.

"No, of course you didn't think about that. You're just shellfish, and childish and don't think about anyone but yourself. You don't stop to think about who else you might be hurting when you go and do stupid things like getting high on whatever the hell drugs you can get your hands on."

"Ok, that's not fair. I am very careful about what drugs I take. I am always careful-"

"Careful? You're careful? That's ridiculous. If you were being careful we wouldn't be having this conversation, you wouldn't have taken any thing. You would have just come home and taken one of your stupid sleeping pills and checked out for the weekend."

"It doesn't work anymore."

"What?"

"It doesn't work anymore. The sleeping pills. Sure they knock me out, let me sleep, but they don't let me forget, they don't let me 'check out' as you say. They used to, but not anymore. I wish they did, but they don't."

"And that wasn't a sign that maybe; just maybe, you were coming up on an addiction here? That you were taking too many? Have you even ever tried handling your pain in a normal way?"

"A _normal_ way? And what pray tell my dear Lisbon would a normal way be?"

"Have you ever tried to _talk_ to someone about it? Have you maybe thought that instead of taking all sorts of illegal drugs that maybe; just maybe there was a legal way to take care of your depression?"

"I am not depressed."

"Oh, really? You may not realize it, but I've been around people on both ends of the spectrum Jane. I've seen people high as a kite, like you were last night, and so depressed that they can't even lift the gun to their heads to pull the trigger."

"I don't want to kill myself Lisbon."

"Really? You could have fooled me. You're self deprecating and don't care about your own safety. You're taking drugs that you don't know what are, from people you don't know if you can trust. If that's not suicidal, I don't know what is."

"Oh, like you're one to talk. Ever cop I've ever met has at least some of those characteristics. If I didn't know better, I'd say you had the same problem."

"Maybe I do, but you don't see me hanging out on street corners buying drugs from gang banger or getting suspects so mad at me that they threaten to sue and then punch me in the nose."

"So how do you handle it? The pain I mean. You lost your parents when you were young, you had to raise your brothers, and by your own admission it didn't go so well."

"This isn't about me Jane; this is about you and your inability to cope."

"Did you ever think that knowing how you handled it might help me?"

She snored in disbelief. "I am not going to spill my guts to you just to give you more ammunition and insight into my life. I know how you work Jane, I tell you something personal about me and you drag it out when you want something from me. You wave it in front of my face as a way to say 'do this and everyone else won't find out'. You'll use it as a form of guilt."

Jane looked at her for a second before sitting on the sofa, he wanted to tell her, really he did, but, how? Sighing, he opened his mouth and just let the words flow out. "I wasn't the best husband, before you know. I wasn't. I was late coming home that night because I didn't come home after the show like I was supposed to. I was having an affair with one of the girls on the set. She wasn't the first one, and she probably wouldn't have been the last. I don't think Sarah knew about it. I always had good excuse for being late, a client stopped by, a guest on the show wanted a privet reading, whatever, she always believed me. But I had been feeling guilty, I was going to break it off with the girl, but I just, I couldn't.

"I was even later than usual, getting home that night. I had driven around town after leaving, I wanted to tell my wife, I was sure that I would that time too, tell her that I had been unfaithful, but, when I got to the house…I knew something was wrong. I tried to ignore it, but then I saw that note on the door, and when I opened it up…there was that smiley face on the wall, and they were there…there was so much blood." He felt tears welling up in his eyes and seemed incapable of stopping them.

"I was supposed to be there, but I wasn't. I should have been there, to protect my family, to keep that monster from killing Sarah and Abby. I know, I probably would have ended up dead too, but that would have been fine, preferable even to this. I tried to do it once, kill myself. I know you know that, that's how I ended up in the hospital. I…I didn't have a gun, though that probably would have been the best way to do it, swallowing a bullet, so I took a bunch of pills. I would have died too if the cleaning lady hadn't come in that day. She found me, called 911, and I ended up in the hospital. I was there for a few months, I met Sophie, I learned that I could still use my charm to get what I wanted. She never should have released me, but I charmed her into thinking that I was 'healed'. I should have been on medication, but I wasn't, I haven't been since then. I've been able to fool everyone since then, every one buy you. I don't know why."

"I highly doubt I'm the only one who doesn't fall for your crap. I've seen others; usually they end up hitting you." She as attempting to lighten the mood, she sighed and sat next to him. "When my mom died my dad started drinking. He wasn't drunk all the time. He was still able to work, mostly. He worked in construction, he as a foreman. One day, it was a school holiday, we all went down to the job sight with him, I was supposed to be watching my brothers, but during lunch, one of them got into the crane, he'd always been fascinated with it, he turned it on. We didn't even know what was happening until it was almost too late. My dad, he'd been drinking, his reaction time was slow, even now I have a hard time remembering what happened, there was smoke and dust and falling wood and steel and bricks, at least, that's what it seemed like. And my brother was safe and my dad was dead. I try not to remember what it was like, seeing my dad lying there on the ground like that. My brother blamed himself, and I blamed myself. I hadn't been watching him closely enough.

"We all had to do counseling, my grandparents insisted on it. I was a teenager when I started taking the pills for it, I have been ever since. It seems to work. Some days are worse than others, sometimes it seems like it's not worth it, but, I just keep going. You're not the only one who's been handed a crappie life, that feels responsible for the death of more than one person that you love. Only, most of us don't focus solely on revenge. What would have happened if I had decided to get revenge on the drunk driver that killed my mom, or the idiot who left the keys in the crane at lunch? I can guarantee you I wouldn't be sitting here in front of you right now."

They sat in silence for a minute, neither one sure what to say. "You didn't have to tell me any of that." Jane said, breaking the silence first.

"I know."

"Why did you?"

"I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I guess I just wanted to show you that there are other ways to go about it, other than illegal drugs."

"I know that Lisbon. I really do. I never meant to drag you into the mess that is my life."

"But I'm here Jane. And I'm not leaving."


End file.
